


Savannah

by savv



Category: None - Fandom
Genre: Anxiety, Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Eating, Eating Disorders, Hallucinations, Life-story, Other, Recovery, Savannah - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-19
Updated: 2017-04-19
Packaged: 2018-10-21 00:46:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,802
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10674186
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/savv/pseuds/savv
Summary: This is my story. Follow me as I lead you through my life where I battle depression, anxiety, and even an eating disorder.





	Savannah

Hi

My name is Savannah. This is my story.

There once was a girl named Savannah who was full of life and happiness. She would run and jump and play with all her friends. She was smart and she always made the honor roll. Savannah never cared what anybody else thought about her. She was beautiful and she knew that. Sure, she had a quirky fashion sense and she would rather watch movies on her TV that had stickers all over it but she knew that she was perfect.

But one day, that all changed. One day, when Savannah was twelve, someone she loved and trusted very much called her a name. A name that has gone through her mind so many times since then that it feels absurd when it's not there. That person called Savannah fat. Suddenly, everything that Savannah had ever been called ran through her mind. It was at that moment that Savannah realized that she was, indeed, fat.

After that, Savannah was never the same. She stopped playing with her friends and instead stayed inside by herself. She isolated herself from everybody because she didn't want to be the burden on their shoulders. Savannah thought that if she kept herself from people, they might like her more. They might not care about her weird clothes or her weight. Because everyone could only be looking at her flaws, right? They never cared about themselves or the good things about her. To Savannah, people only cared about what was wrong with her.

She developed an eating disorder called anorexia. Now, at the time, Savannah thought that anorexia was helping her! She was losing weight! That felt so good that she didn't even care when she passed out in the bathroom. Or the kitchen. Or in her bedroom. She was losing weight and that meant that she was doing well. Sure she couldn't stand without feeling dizzy; she couldn't run without seeing spots. None of that mattered when sweet anorexia whispered in her ear saying that it would all be worth it in the end.

One day, Savannah put a razor to her thigh. And she did it again. And again. And again. It seemed like the best relief she had ever felt. She would sit there and stare at the blood dripping down her leg until it dripped onto the floor. She was absolutely fascinated. Then she would wipe it up and bandage herself up. At PE she would change in the bathroom stall so that nobody would see her. She was ashamed of herself and what she had done. But that never stopped her from repeating her actions. It began to feel like a routine to her; always the same razor and the same bandages and always the same leg. Summer came around and she never went to the beach; if she did, she would have to wear a bathing suit and that would mean people seeing her scars. Savannah didn't want people to feel bad for her so she hid from the world.

Savannah kept a bottle of pills that she had stolen from her mother in her bedroom; she kept them hidden under her mattress so nobody would find them. She kept them there so she would always have an escape if she needed it. Her grades dropped to average and her parents were yelled at her. Savannah pulled out the pills and nearly took them, but she didn't. She put them right back under the mattress. She felt weak and she felt like a coward. She couldn't even do what felt like such a simple task. Not only was Savannah a disappointment to everyone around her, she was a disappointment to herself. Although she didn't take the pills, the thoughts never ceased. The thoughts and the urges stayed with her.

Of course, nobody ever noticed the changes happening with Savannah. They thought the weight loss had to do with puberty; they thought that she was just shy and that's why she never spoke to anyone. They didn't know Savannah and they didn't know what she was going through. She felt like they were looking right through her and not at her. All she wanted was to be seen; she wanted to be heard. But nobody would listen. Whenever she would try to say something, her throat would tighten and no words would come out. So she lived the next few years in silence.

Savannah's cousins went to live with her when she was about to turn thirteen. Their mom was on drugs and sent her children to go live with Savannah and her family while she tried to get clean. They had lived in the bad part of town so they had a hard life. Because of that, Savannah's problems were no longer valid. They had a harder life than her which meant that she wasn't allowed to be sad, right? That's what her parents told her, at least. She had to keep her mouth closed and help take care of the smaller children so that her parents could have an easier life and not be as stressed. Her cousins moving in with her caused some money issues and that made her parents very stressed. But Savannah had to keep her head up and help out around the house so that her parents could work and not have to worry about her. Her cousins were nothing but trouble but that didn't matter because only Savannah had to deal with them. Once again, she pulled out the pills. Once again, she didn't take them. And once again, she felt weak.

A few months after her cousins moved in with her, Savannah had to move away from her home. She had lived in her house for seven years and now she was being ripped away from it; she cried for days. The day she left, hardly anybody said goodbye. She would go up to them and try to say goodbye but they would brush her off like she meant nothing to them. Only two people bothered to say goodbye and only one cried over her. On the drive down, she burst into a fit of screaming and crying. She told everyone it was because she was sad that she left but it was a lie. Savannah cried because nobody cared that she was gone. Savannah screamed because nobody would ever love her. Savannah sobbed because she knew that she would have to move away again as soon as she got attached to this new place.

When Savannah arrived at this new place, she was very confused. Everywhere she went, people were speaking Spanish! She was in America so she didn't understand why people wouldn't speak English. She didn't judge them, though. She knew that she lived in a free country so they could speak Spanish if they wanted to. However, soon, she began to realize that people were talking about her. Savannah was white so she stood out quite a bit among the Hispanics in her new town. When she started school, people would talk about her. They called her Gringa and That White Bitch. Hardly anybody talked to her. She never thought about the racist remarks because she never thought about people being racist to a white person. But, alas, she was laughed at for her skin color and her ethnicity. Savannah took out the pills again and she put them back again.

Eventually, her cousins went back to live with their mother and Savannah was an only child again. She had been in therapy for a few months at that point to talk about her life since her cousin's moved in. She kept going even after they left because she had nothing better to do. But she never talked about anything significant. If their conversations got too deep, Savannah would change the subject. She couldn't help it, really. She was just so deep into her spiral that she refused to let anybody into her life. The only person who ever helped her was her friend Cori. Cori could always cheer her up and was always available to listen if Savannah needed to talk. But there was a problem; Cori didn't live near Savannah. She lived in a completely different state.

When her parents went out and left her alone, Savannah usually sat in bed and watched her shows. But one day she took a bottle of vodka and drank a sip. And another. And another. She realized that drinking the vodka made her happier and made her forget about her insecurities. There was no fear, no pain when she was drunk. She took the bottle to her room and drank out of it every night. When she ran out, she took another bottle. After that bottle was finished, she didn't touch another drop of alcohol for months. Her family had a history with addiction and she didn't want to risk it. But one day when she was alone for a few hours, she found a bottle of gin. She drank out of it until she could hardly walk. When she felt like she was sufficiently drunk, she took out her phone and she texted the boy she liked. After that, she texted Cori who told her that she needed to stop drinking. Savannah didn't listen, of course. She was too happy to care about any repercussions. Alcohol made her feel thin and pretty, but it didn't last.

Eventually, her therapist did a depression analysis test on her and recommended that she go see a psychiatrist. She felt embarrassed and ashamed; she was sick which meant that there was something wrong with her, right? Her psychiatrist prescribed her some pills that should make her better after only one meeting. Savannah felt like it meant that she was so sick that there was no cure. If he could give her a prescription after meeting her one time then why was she even alive? A person this sick didn't deserve life. She took the pills but every time she saw the bottle, all she could think about was swallowing them all. All she wanted was to take the bottle and take every pill so that she wouldn't be such a burden on everybody anymore. But she never did. She took the pills as prescribed and told herself that she was getting better. Soon, the words that everybody threw at her didn't hurt her as much. She was smiling more and going out more. She thought that the pills weren't actually working but it was simply her mind playing tricks on her. Savannah didn't care what made her feel better; all that she cared about was that she was better. Savannah still feels the urges to take the pills but it is much better controlled now. She is better.


End file.
